Is it Just Hair?

Shot at Hairrari, a gender neutral barbershop, this series follows myself as I get a haircut makeover from long to short.  The story below tells how a simple haircut relates to my struggles with my identity, self-esteem and internalized thoughts surrounding gender and sexuality. 

Thank you to everyone who helped me share my story. Special thanks to Maia for the amazing cut and who made the whole experience comfortable and fun. And to Ari Moren, who photographed the series.

These photos were taken on a Canon EOS Rebel SL1 and edited in Lightroom to achieve a film street style look.

Disclaimer: This is a personal piece and my thoughts surrounding my gender identity - I am not speaking to all gender identities. Many of the thoughts within this piece is to highlight transphobia and homophobia internalized thoughts which is not meant to reflect currently on the LGBTQ community.

For years I agonized over cutting my hair.  

Many have heard me talk about my desire for short hair at one point or another.  It most likely came off as a sarcastic joke or question, “what if I just do it” -- the kind of playful statement that is also low key true and you know someone is searching for some affirmation. 

My close family and friends definitely saw the truth behind the playful joking, especially after the 100th time of it being made.  Honestly, post-haircut reveal I can guarantee most reactions will be “finally” above all others. 

“It’s just hair,” would be the statement that I would always get in return. Whether it came after the, “No, please don't do that,” or the, “I think you can totally rock it,” somewhere through the annoyance of my repetitive debacle always came the, “It’s just hair,” most of the time equivalent for, “Shut up already and do it so we don't have to hear this joke any longer.”

“Cutting my hair, although just a small physical change, in a way symbolized a step closer to this figure I internally yearned to be. And with that, came fear.”

While the “it’s just hair” sentiment pushed me under the clippers, at the end of the day, it is not just hair. Hair is one of the most influential attributes in our society - it symbolizes beauty standards, gender expression, culture, race, class, age, personality, interests. I bet I could make assumptions on what friend group you had in high school based on your hairstyle. Haircuts and styles are ingrained within every social bias and construct humanity created.  

For someone like myself, who has deeply struggled with my own sexuality and gender identity, hair to me was an affirmation of my femininity. Cutting my hair, although just a small physical change, in a way symbolized a step closer to this figure I internally yearned to be. And with that, came fear. 

When you are struggling with your identity, there is a feeling of hope that through small changes you will become who you are meant to be, but there is also a deep sense of fear that if those changes aren’t positive, there is no hope. 

There was also a fear behind that public nature of a haircut. Fluidity was a concept that I had always practiced in private, eventually within the walls of the queer community. However, with this haircut it would be visible to all - forcing me to own my more masculine gender identity. That fear seemed less silly than the fear that now most could make the assumption that I was queer. Being out as a lesbian for ten years, you would think the fear would subside.  And in many ways it has but I have always had the privilege of hiding between my feminine features and pretend feminine mannerisms if I did not want to be outed. 

While I desperately yearned to present more masculine, I never had the self esteem, self love or confidence to ditch my security blanket of my “feminine attributes” that gave me the identity of the “pretty lesbian.” Fueled by years of statements like, “You are so pretty for a lesbian,” and, “I would have never known you were gay,” and through perpetual misrepresentation of queer stereotypes, I think I equated my physical appearance to the acceptance of my sexual orientation. Not to mention it gave me a false sense of identity, and to a person with low self-esteem and who feels confused, an identity to latch on to feels a lot like confidence. 

“I thought of this person...this overly sexual, borderline predatory character with a buzz cut and a wife beater. Of course, I see the problem with that statement but that is what misrepresentation and internalized homophobia does with our thoughts.”

As I grew and surrounded myself with a queer community, I started to become more fluid in how I viewed my own identities. However, I still associated short hair to being labeled as a “butch” lesbian. In my mind, I refused to become that - I thought of this person similar to that of Boo from Orange is the New Black. This overly sexual, borderline predatory character with a buzz cut and a wife beater. Of course, I see the problem with that statement but that is what misrepresentation and internalized homophobia does with our thoughts.

In order to avoid that character, and to have the sex appeal and be accepted as a masculine queer woman in society first, I needed narrow hips, small breasts, high cheekbones, a sharp jawline and a gap between my legs in order to pull off the short hair I wanted… at least that's what my Instagram and Tumblr feed told me throughout my teenage and young adult years.

Honestly, to have short hair in general, for feminine straight women - basically the same criteria applied. 

The above thoughts were my self talk for years, a repetitive cycle. Honestly, I still hold some of the beliefs and feelings of not meeting the criteria, therefore, not feeling beautiful. But I am trying.  

Past that, I had a deeper internal battle if I felt like a queer woman at all. Did wanting to present more masculine and get this haircut have a deeper meaning? Would I have to explore these thoughts by going through with an actionable change? Growing up, I didn’t have the language nor did I have the representation around me to think about these questions, let alone have answers to them.

If it were not for a drunken quarantine day, where my roommate and I decided to shave the undercut of my hair leading me in a situation needing to do something with my hair, I am not sure if I would have ever escaped that thought loop of the “what if’s” and “but’s.” However, COVID-19 hit and it was a recipe for not only isolation and self-reflection, but also an opportunity to try different styles without having to face society.  

So I cut it. 

“I don’t have the answer right now but compassion is recognizing how far I have come and being okay with not knowing where I am going.”

And after years and years of dread, stress, and overthinking a haircut, I absolutely loved it. It gave me the kind of confidence that feels so seldom to come by, the confidence that is authentic and genuine. 

I am beginning to learn to be more compassionate to myself in general but also in terms of my identity. For those that lasted all the way to this point in the story, especially those that know me personally, you probably have some questions or confusion about what I exactly mean … and I do too. I don’t have the answer right now but compassion is recognizing how far I have come and being okay with not knowing where I am going.

This entire process has shown me how valuable my environment and relationships are. It was the single most important factor that instilled shame in my identities and lack of self confidence but it also was the single most important factor that helped me accept myself and be unafraid to experiment.

“Through recognizing our commonalities and being vulnerable with our stories, I believe we can make changes in our society in how we judge others and how we judge ourselves.”

I still struggle with self love so this story is not a sentiment of overcoming fears and a road to higher self esteem. It is more of a representation of a queer story that I so desperately wished I had when I was younger and even more confused. It is also representation that transcends beyond the walls of the queer community and I hope the themes of identity, representation, self talk, internalized unconscious biases, change, fluidity… and fear of haircuts can relate to others' trials and tribulations. Through recognizing our commonalities and being vulnerable with our stories, I believe we can make changes in our society in how we judge others and how we judge ourselves.

--

P.S. Compared to the Instagram and Tumblr feeds I referenced, my new TikTok feed tells me that the younger generation is more open, accepting and self aware. So honestly, this story might be a little less relatable than I thought (in the best way possible). However, if this resonated with you, I encourage you to please reach out, I am always open and happy to have a conversation!

Haircut by: Maia - @funksoulbarber
Shot by: Ari Moren - @ari.moren
Produced & Edited by: Jade Gonzales - @jadegonzales